When I married my first husband. I had well meaning members of his family tell me that he was “a pathological liar”, “selfish” and “only loved himself” but good luck.
I went into our marriage with my guard up. Every little thing he did, I judged and kept him under a microscope…. I mean if his own family believed that he was broken then what was I missing?
As time went on, I began to “notice” things about him that made me throw up walls…even when he did something nice, I wondered what the motive was.
Our marriage was doomed before it even started and eventually it ended bitterly…each of us believing others instead of trying to connect.
Loving someone means that not only do you lay aside your fears…it also means you set forth boundaries with others to not allow them access to your mind. Had I put into place healthy boundaries with well meaning people. I would have been able to see my spouse as the head of our home instead of a weak individual that I always had to go behind and check up on.
Love and boundaries are best friends. They need one another to protect, fight for, and grow with.
If separated, then whatever relationship you are trying to build will be destroyed before it starts.
It takes two people to argue. It only takes one person to stop.
What are some healthy boundaries?
1. Never allow anyone to say anything negative about your relationship or your spouse.
Negative words spoken are like planting weeds in a garden and not expecting them to grow.
Negative words create negative thoughts that in turn create negative actions.
2. Don’t Complain
We ALL need to vent once in a while I get it…I’m human too… However, the things that bug us in the moment are soon forgotten by us as we communicate love to and with our spouse. A family member, a friend, or co-worker has no emotional reason to forgive your spouse… so holding on to your offense on your behalf is what they feel bound to do…and the next time you fight with your spouse those “defenders” are the first to remind you of what your spouse previously did and why you should get mad again.
Basically, there’s no grace in their offense.
3. Safe Zone
Ask your spouse (when you’re not mad) if you can talk about a few things and assure them that whatever is said is safe. That you love each other enough to not only say what bothers you, but work on a solution together.
I’m definitely not a love expert. I am just a woman who wishes I would have understood how to save my mental real estate for love and not distrust.